One of the hardest but best lessons I've learned in my 43+ years on this planet is when you own your shit/issues/problems/deficiencies, no one else has a chance of holding it over your head. So yes, I did it. I was ignorant and thought I knew what I was doing. Yes, I was egotistical and full of pride so I didn't ask for help and I stumbled. Yes, I put that there, in the wrong place and no one else could have told me otherwise. Yes, I made a mistake, used poor judgement, said something in a moment of anger or frustration that I shouldn't have. Yes, I sped, I didn't use my blinker, I even ran a red light. Yes, I could have been a better role model, a better friend, a better father. Yes, I could have talked less and listened more. Yes, I could have been more, better, for you and for me. Yes, it was me. Yes, I did it.
I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm evolving each and every day. I've never been more comfortable with myself in my life; not a decade ago, not a day ago, not at the start of this post.
And I'm sorry if I wasn't my best for you when we met, during our friendship or when we were coworkers. I'm truly sorry.
Now that that's over, now that I've owned my shit, what can you possibly say or hold over my head that I haven't already reconciled with myself? Nothing. So let's move on. Let's focus on the present and the future. Let's leave the past, in a cloud of dust and debris in the rearview mirror of life and move forward.
That was a hard stubborn lesson for me. I got figuratively slapped in the face more times than I can remember because of my ego, pride and stubbornness. (That damn ego. I'll write more about that monster soon.) It feels so good now when I do something wrong (yes, that happens and will always happen) and I just own it outright. If I give that drama or issue or error 1 extra second of my life, it will own me. And that person I "wronged", they'll definitely have power over me. I'm not saying I'll never make excuses again or my ego is completely gone but the understanding I have in how liberating owning my junk is, that feeling is intoxicating. And knowing no one in the universe can ever make war with my errors is, well, frosting on the cake.
Did you do it? Was that you? Oh it was, ok, thanks for telling me. What would you like for lunch?